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It's been a few months.

The comedy thing seems to be going well (p.s. I'm doing comedy now.) and it's probably the best decision I've ever made. The anxiety is still there, but much more manageable. My job is even a little better because now I've got something to focus on that is not my job. Hooray!

For whatever reason, I'm claustrophobic now though. Not all the time. Just randomly. Also I've lost my taste for black olives.

As much as it breaks my heart, I'm probably going to have to sell my drums to be able to move to Madison. I'll have a bit more money to work with, and I won't have to worry about how much it's going to cost to ship drums to Madison. One day I will have drums again. They're fun.

I'm trying hard not to judge people, but I think it's ok to judge them if they're Juggalos.

Regarding the last blog post: I realize it's depressing, but it's also very honest. I'm leaving it up for now, mostly because no one probably is reading this, and also because maybe someone might accidentally stumble on this and discover that these things they are feeling, they are not alone. In fact, I kind of hope that happens.

Heaven Isn't Enough

I've had a lot of restless energy lately. It'd be great if I could use it for something productive, but every time I sit down to do something I get immediately distracted. It's like I've got ADHD but it didn't kick in until I hit 25. Bizarre. Also I turned 25. That's been weird. I think I'm having some sort of quarter-life crisis. Starting to panic that I'm not in any sort of serious relationship, that I don't have any sort of job I want to be doing, I don't yet have a college education, and I'm not great with money. Everyone always says these things have a way of working themselves out, but maybe I'm impatient but I want them to work out now, or at least I want me to not worry about them. Right now though, I'm watching my friends move to NYC with big-deal jobs on Wall Street or they're graduating from college and/or getting married and having children, and I'm nowhere close to anything resembling that. Maybe Provo is taking its toll on my sanity. The song I'm listening to just hit me as having the perfect lyrics to describe how I feel. Funny how that seems to work out. The song is Everything That Happens- David Byrne and Brian Eno:

Everything that happens will happen today
& nothing has changed, but nothing's the same
and ev'ry tomorrow could be yesterday
& and ev'rything that happens will happen today

I'd like to say I'm confident that I'll get out of this, but fact is I'm petrified. Mostly of success, which seems like a strange thing to be afraid of. But there you have it. The only good thing that comes from the fear is at least I know I'm alive because I can still feel. Another big problem I'm having is that I seem to have grown tired of myself and feel everyone else is beginning to as well, and it's making me super-self-conscious and self-critical, which makes me strongly dislike myself. Not a cakewalk.

Due to my prolonged absence, I know there's probably no one reading this, but if anyone does see this, any advice would be appreciated. Right now, the main way I'm dealing with everything is by finding a quiet place to be alone and letting whatever immediate emotion I have flow, and the only other thing I could think of is to type this all down. Hopefully sort of get it off my chest.

I know most of my posts seem to be about empowering myself, but as it turns out I'm kind of terrible at that. Really, I could use some help. I'd rather not complain about it, but this is the reality of the situation, and this is the last it will be mentioned this way. Any other references to any of this will hopefully be by way of trying out solutions.

I Found a New Way to Breathe

In the 7 months since I've updated this, a lot has changed about me and everything else. I'm going back to school. I'm less afraid. I'm more myself. I'm more involved in music, and it's surprisingly fulfilling.

I've decided to be more poetic.

I'm going to finish things I've started.

I'm going to be myself, and tear the doors off of everywhere.

Hawaii Playlist

1. Poor Places- Wilco
2. Tiki Lounge God- The Presidents of the United States of America
3. Temptation (7" Mix)- New Order
4. Horchata- Vampire Weekend
5. Nobody's Fault But My Own- Beck
6. Between the Bars- Elliott Smith
7. Throw Away Your Television- Red Hot Chili Peppers
8. Zero- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
9. Ceremony- New Order
10. The Calendar Hung Itself- Bright Eyes
11. Tick Tick Boom- The Hives
12. D.A.N.C.E.- Justice
13. Trouble Comes Running- Spoon
14. Gold Soundz- Pavement

song i wrote.

I don't know the name of this and I don't know if it's any good but I finally wrote lyrics for some music I wrote.

Be careful.
Someday you might say something you can’t take back.
Someday you might hurt someone you never meant to.,

I won’t stick around here anymore.

Don’t worry
Bad things happen to everyone some of the time
Bad things happen to good people some of the time.

But I won’t stick around here anymore.

Stay calm.
Don’t be afraid.
They’ll never know, no they won’t.
The things you’ve done,
They’ll never know, no they won’t.

But I won’t stick around here anymore.

Prepare for the Worst.

New font.

I'm going to try to sleep more regular hours from now on. At least on weekdays and weeknights, I'm no longer going to be a vampire. This is going to be a pretty big shock to my system, because for the last six years, even when I've worked early in the morning, I've generally stayed up till at least 2 or 3.

What do I do at these ridiculous hours, you might ask? Generally I use the time that the rest of the world is asleep to watch movies and write, because it's quiet. Sometimes I read (which I need to do more often still). It turns out that my roommates aren't really home in the morning/afternoon very often, so I'll probably use that time for these things. I'll try it for at least a year, and if I don't like it, I'll return to my vampirical ways.

In other news, work on Nixon Vs. Dracula is going somewhat well. Hoping to start shooting by the end of February.

Also, hoping for more open mic nights next week.

Peace.

Apparently I Lied.

I haven't done so good on the whole "I'll write in here twice a week" thing, seeing as y'all have gone a week without nothing. Tomorrow we're playing another open mic night and Sundance plans should be somewhat finalized. Hooah!

Also, Gone With The Wind is a brutal, boring, miserable movie. Sorry, world.