Heaven Isn't Enough

I've had a lot of restless energy lately. It'd be great if I could use it for something productive, but every time I sit down to do something I get immediately distracted. It's like I've got ADHD but it didn't kick in until I hit 25. Bizarre. Also I turned 25. That's been weird. I think I'm having some sort of quarter-life crisis. Starting to panic that I'm not in any sort of serious relationship, that I don't have any sort of job I want to be doing, I don't yet have a college education, and I'm not great with money. Everyone always says these things have a way of working themselves out, but maybe I'm impatient but I want them to work out now, or at least I want me to not worry about them. Right now though, I'm watching my friends move to NYC with big-deal jobs on Wall Street or they're graduating from college and/or getting married and having children, and I'm nowhere close to anything resembling that. Maybe Provo is taking its toll on my sanity. The song I'm listening to just hit me as having the perfect lyrics to describe how I feel. Funny how that seems to work out. The song is Everything That Happens- David Byrne and Brian Eno:

Everything that happens will happen today
& nothing has changed, but nothing's the same
and ev'ry tomorrow could be yesterday
& and ev'rything that happens will happen today

I'd like to say I'm confident that I'll get out of this, but fact is I'm petrified. Mostly of success, which seems like a strange thing to be afraid of. But there you have it. The only good thing that comes from the fear is at least I know I'm alive because I can still feel. Another big problem I'm having is that I seem to have grown tired of myself and feel everyone else is beginning to as well, and it's making me super-self-conscious and self-critical, which makes me strongly dislike myself. Not a cakewalk.

Due to my prolonged absence, I know there's probably no one reading this, but if anyone does see this, any advice would be appreciated. Right now, the main way I'm dealing with everything is by finding a quiet place to be alone and letting whatever immediate emotion I have flow, and the only other thing I could think of is to type this all down. Hopefully sort of get it off my chest.

I know most of my posts seem to be about empowering myself, but as it turns out I'm kind of terrible at that. Really, I could use some help. I'd rather not complain about it, but this is the reality of the situation, and this is the last it will be mentioned this way. Any other references to any of this will hopefully be by way of trying out solutions.

I Found a New Way to Breathe

In the 7 months since I've updated this, a lot has changed about me and everything else. I'm going back to school. I'm less afraid. I'm more myself. I'm more involved in music, and it's surprisingly fulfilling.

I've decided to be more poetic.

I'm going to finish things I've started.

I'm going to be myself, and tear the doors off of everywhere.